Romans 12:12

We've come to know our caseworker at AAI fairly well since June.  I am so appreciative of her and the way she has handled our family's needs and concerns over the last few months.  I'd say prior to June, we had been a pretty low maintenance adoptive family.  However, since our June referral and our loss in July we have been a bit more needy.  Sally has just been so patient with us, answering questions, sending updates, providing encouragement.  And we just appreciate her and our agency so much for helping us through the ups and downs of this process.  God really offered us a huge blessing when she took our case.

And, for the part that everyone is waiting for:

On October 17th Adam received a much anticipated (and desperately needed) phone call.  Sally called to rejoice with us in some good news and provide us with information on a sweet little boy who needs a family.  I am so thankful that call came when it did because even though I know patience is a virtue, I had begun to despair a little bit.

I've had mixed emotions since then.  I'm very excited and feel so blessed to be able to pray for and prepare for my new son.  I feel proud to show his picture.  I enjoy talking about him, I have been planning his room and sorting clothes again.  But, I've also realized that in celebrating this new buddy, I am forced to let go a little bit more of Caleb and it's been hard.  I knew it would be.  It was hard to know how I would feel or how I'm supposed to feel.  I have definitely found myself being more reserved this time, hesitant to plan and get excited.  Opening up myself to love this little guy without fear has been harder because we have dealt with the reality that something "could" happen.  We aren't naive to the risks involved, and sometimes knowledge is hard.

I've actually had to remind myself that I'm not bringing two little boys home.  I want to plan for both of them to come home.  That is part of why it has taken me a bit to post our referral news.  I've been working on letting go of fear and letting myself fall in love with a picture of little boy with enormous brown eyes wearing a pink sweater.  I think I'm there.

I've been extremely focused lately on the things I need to work on.  Things I want to do better and things I see as deficiencies in the way I parent, work, etc.  But tonight as we were putting the girls to bed, L (3.5yrs)  said the sweetest little prayer for her new brother.  I don't know if she always knows what she prays for, we are working on that, but she definitely has her own unique way of talking to God.  She said in the sweetest voice "Dear God, please help Bedane to be safe and come home soon and help him to have every kind of goodness in his heart"  That spoke so much to my own heart.  I may not be doing everything right.  But somehow, despite my shortcomings, these girls know how to love. They know how to suffer loss and overcome.  They seek the good of others and see the good in others. They are thoughtful and kind.  They have the simplest idea of what a family is about and have no fears about changing and adding to our little Higgie household. They have faith that God answers prayers. They are the best part of me.  Its no wonder Jesus said that if we wanted to be in His kingdom we'd have to become like little children.

Little guy, I hope you know that you are cherished.  I hope you are being cared for and can feel our love an ocean away.  We are coming as quickly as we can.  Be safe, come home soon, and may your days and heart be filled with every kind of goodness. 



Things are about to get a little bit cozier around here! and there are three little girls who can't wait to snuggle up with their new baby brother!

Honesty - Its Not Always Pretty

I didn't publish this when I wrote it early last month. . But I think I will now, and then I hope to work up something a little more cheerful.  You never know when something might resonate with someone else.  So even though putting myself out there makes me feel vulnerable, its worth it if it helps someone else.



October 9, 2013


Just a little bit of honesty.

I'm grumpy.

When we were waiting for a referral back in June, we were giddy with excitement.  We laughed at the way we stalked our phones and emails.  We giggled with glee when we saw pictures of other families meeting their children, packing, traveling, coming home...  I stared at little boy clothes and frantically planned a trip that we were hoping would come will very little notice before the courts closed for rainy season.

This time, I'm not giddy with excitement, and I don't like it.  My heart is just filled with anxiety over seeing this little face and getting to them without delay.  I keep telling myself that surely the same thing can't happen twice. I know that the feeling I'll get when we receive our next referral will be so joyous that it will push some of these feelings aside, and I am just so impatient to have that relief.  Because right now I am reaching so hard for HOPE and it seems just beyond my grasp.

We have company coming, so I had to box up our travel items that were still left from July in the guest room.  I packaged up the donations in a big tub.  I put the couple of things we were planning to leave for Caleb between the first and second trip in a bag.  It was hard.  It was like admitting that we weren't going, at least not anytime soon, to get our little one.  Its hard to hold on to hope in a moment like that.


Now to add to it, since I'm being honest, I may as well go all out.

I am so ridiculously horrible about feeling guilty.  Ridiculously. Horrible.

Didn't do the dishes and Adam does them for me? Guilt.  Let the girls watch two hours of TV while I do ANYTHING? Guilt.  Forget to pray for someone? Guilt.  Forget to return an email? Guilt.  Feed small people hot dogs again instead of all organic something-or-other-good-for-them food? Guilt.  Oh it goes on and on.  I told you. Ridiculous.  

I am so richly blessed.  I know this.  And my, oh my, how my blessings keep me busy.  Adam and the girls, church, work, home school, opportunities to serve, praying, housekeeping.  I've got plenty to do and my cups overflows with good things.  So why do I let myself be overwhelmed with this bad mood.  I feel that my attitude says so much about my heart.  For a person to feel so tired and worn in the midst of all these blessings is practically sinful.  I feel so guilty for being bummed in the face of all these good things.

Guilt = worse mood.

My best friend said it best the other day and offered me a little grace for my heart.  It's not being impatient.  It's not really complaining.  It's a yearning.  I'm yearning for that joy  -for that moment of relief, when hope is realized.  When faith becomes sight (that's Biblical, you know)  Even though "referral day" won't place our little one in our arms, it will give us tangible evidence of things to come, it will give us renewed strength and the chance to do something proactive to get that baby home!  For now, I can't file a single piece of paper work, plan one inch of a big trip, storm into a government office and demand my paperwork be expedited (not that I would, but a girl can dream of heroics!).  All I can do it wait. And its frustrating. And I have found I am not very good at it.  And well, I feel guilty about not waiting more patiently as I know that good things are too come.

Ah! A vicious cycle.  I'm stuck in it.

High hopes that hitting the publish button will trigger an automatic better attitude, having gotten this off my chest.  I'll have to let you know.