I didn't publish this when I wrote it early last month. . But I think I will now, and then I hope to work up something a little more cheerful. You never know when something might resonate with someone else. So even though putting myself out there makes me feel vulnerable, its worth it if it helps someone else.
October 9, 2013
Just a little bit of honesty.
I'm grumpy.
When we were waiting for a referral back in June, we were giddy with excitement. We laughed at the way we stalked our phones and emails. We giggled with glee when we saw pictures of other families meeting their children, packing, traveling, coming home... I stared at little boy clothes and frantically planned a trip that we were hoping would come will very little notice before the courts closed for rainy season.
This time, I'm not giddy with excitement, and I don't like it. My heart is just filled with anxiety over seeing this little face and getting to them without delay. I keep telling myself that surely the same thing can't happen twice. I know that the feeling I'll get when we receive our next referral will be so joyous that it will push some of these feelings aside, and I am just so impatient to have that relief. Because right now I am reaching so hard for HOPE and it seems just beyond my grasp.
We have company coming, so I had to box up our travel items that were still left from July in the guest room. I packaged up the donations in a big tub. I put the couple of things we were planning to leave for Caleb between the first and second trip in a bag. It was hard. It was like admitting that we weren't going, at least not anytime soon, to get our little one. Its hard to hold on to hope in a moment like that.
Now to add to it, since I'm being honest, I may as well go all out.
I am so ridiculously horrible about feeling guilty. Ridiculously. Horrible.
Didn't do the dishes and Adam does them for me? Guilt. Let the girls watch two hours of TV while I do ANYTHING? Guilt. Forget to pray for someone? Guilt. Forget to return an email? Guilt. Feed small people hot dogs again instead of all organic something-or-other-good-for-them food? Guilt. Oh it goes on and on. I told you. Ridiculous.
I am so richly blessed. I know this. And my, oh my, how my blessings keep me busy. Adam and the girls, church, work, home school, opportunities to serve, praying, housekeeping. I've got plenty to do and my cups overflows with good things. So why do I let myself be overwhelmed with this bad mood. I feel that my attitude says so much about my heart. For a person to feel so tired and worn in the midst of all these blessings is practically sinful. I feel so guilty for being bummed in the face of all these good things.
Guilt = worse mood.
My best friend said it best the other day and offered me a little grace for my heart. It's not being impatient. It's not really complaining. It's a yearning. I'm yearning for that joy -for that moment of relief, when hope is realized. When faith becomes sight (that's Biblical, you know) Even though "referral day" won't place our little one in our arms, it will give us tangible evidence of things to come, it will give us renewed strength and the chance to do something proactive to get that baby home! For now, I can't file a single piece of paper work, plan one inch of a big trip, storm into a government office and demand my paperwork be expedited (not that I would, but a girl can dream of heroics!). All I can do it wait. And its frustrating. And I have found I am not very good at it. And well, I feel guilty about not waiting more patiently as I know that good things are too come.
Ah! A vicious cycle. I'm stuck in it.
High hopes that hitting the publish button will trigger an automatic better attitude, having gotten this off my chest. I'll have to let you know.
October 9, 2013
Just a little bit of honesty.
I'm grumpy.
When we were waiting for a referral back in June, we were giddy with excitement. We laughed at the way we stalked our phones and emails. We giggled with glee when we saw pictures of other families meeting their children, packing, traveling, coming home... I stared at little boy clothes and frantically planned a trip that we were hoping would come will very little notice before the courts closed for rainy season.
This time, I'm not giddy with excitement, and I don't like it. My heart is just filled with anxiety over seeing this little face and getting to them without delay. I keep telling myself that surely the same thing can't happen twice. I know that the feeling I'll get when we receive our next referral will be so joyous that it will push some of these feelings aside, and I am just so impatient to have that relief. Because right now I am reaching so hard for HOPE and it seems just beyond my grasp.
We have company coming, so I had to box up our travel items that were still left from July in the guest room. I packaged up the donations in a big tub. I put the couple of things we were planning to leave for Caleb between the first and second trip in a bag. It was hard. It was like admitting that we weren't going, at least not anytime soon, to get our little one. Its hard to hold on to hope in a moment like that.
Now to add to it, since I'm being honest, I may as well go all out.
I am so ridiculously horrible about feeling guilty. Ridiculously. Horrible.
Didn't do the dishes and Adam does them for me? Guilt. Let the girls watch two hours of TV while I do ANYTHING? Guilt. Forget to pray for someone? Guilt. Forget to return an email? Guilt. Feed small people hot dogs again instead of all organic something-or-other-good-for-them food? Guilt. Oh it goes on and on. I told you. Ridiculous.
I am so richly blessed. I know this. And my, oh my, how my blessings keep me busy. Adam and the girls, church, work, home school, opportunities to serve, praying, housekeeping. I've got plenty to do and my cups overflows with good things. So why do I let myself be overwhelmed with this bad mood. I feel that my attitude says so much about my heart. For a person to feel so tired and worn in the midst of all these blessings is practically sinful. I feel so guilty for being bummed in the face of all these good things.
Guilt = worse mood.
My best friend said it best the other day and offered me a little grace for my heart. It's not being impatient. It's not really complaining. It's a yearning. I'm yearning for that joy -for that moment of relief, when hope is realized. When faith becomes sight (that's Biblical, you know) Even though "referral day" won't place our little one in our arms, it will give us tangible evidence of things to come, it will give us renewed strength and the chance to do something proactive to get that baby home! For now, I can't file a single piece of paper work, plan one inch of a big trip, storm into a government office and demand my paperwork be expedited (not that I would, but a girl can dream of heroics!). All I can do it wait. And its frustrating. And I have found I am not very good at it. And well, I feel guilty about not waiting more patiently as I know that good things are too come.
Ah! A vicious cycle. I'm stuck in it.
High hopes that hitting the publish button will trigger an automatic better attitude, having gotten this off my chest. I'll have to let you know.
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