Blog Therapy

My thoughts won't flow as easily from my brain to the computer as my husbands did last week.  I really don't have a lot to add to what he said, but I would say that he is in a different stage of accepting things than I am.  He has a lot more clarity and I'm oh....just a tiny bit a whole lot more emotional about things than he is.  He said sharing was therapeutic for him, so I figure I'll give it a shot. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post.

Yesterday I started out my day just basically feeling sorry for myself.  I normally feel genuinely happy for people who are experiencing a lot of joy in their lives, but yesterday I just couldn't do it.  I fought all morning with being angry and bitter about other families getting referrals and leaving for Ethiopia to go get/meet their little ones.  Pure old-fashioned ugly jealousy I suppose.  Then, as I am prone to do, I felt ashamed of myself and guilty for feeling angry and bitter.  By 10 am I had already filled my daily plate full of anger, bitterness, jealousy, impatience, and guilt.  All of that mixed with sorrow and fatigue from not sleeping well and working night shift just pushed me over the edge.  I'd say the term "despair" would be putting it lightly.  I held it together long enough to make PB&Js for the tiny people who run in circles around me everyday and then I phoned a friend.

With less than 30 minutes notice this kind soul agreed to watch my sweet kiddos while I took "some time for myself".  I barely made it home before my emotions completely took over.  I literally lost an hour of time laying on our deck face down crying hysterically.  I hit rock bottom.  I mean, I've been treading water for about 3 weeks here, trying to be strong and pretend I'm fine.  I avoid conversations and questions that might upset me, I refuse to make eye contact when people ask me how I am.  I don't know if it is pride or just not wanting to bother people or not trusting people with my feelings, but I've been holding everything in for so long and it just came rushing out.  If I keep using the treading water analogy, basically yesterday I just quit kicking.  I just laid on the bottom of the pool and drowned in my sorrow.

I cried.  I prayed. I got mad and refused to pray. Cried again. Gave up. Prayed again. Cried.  It was awful. Just awful.

But you know what?  When I was done, even though I was exhausted mentally and physically, I somehow felt a little bit better.

I've been having trouble talking to God about what has happened.  Just like I've had trouble talking to other people about it.  But I finally just said it and put it all out there.  I told him I was angry and bitter and that I need help with that.  I told him that I don't understand how this fits into His plan for us.  I told him I was tired and weary from worry and working.   I poured out all the grief and anger I'd been storing up in my heart, and I'll be honest with you...it was ugly. I am so grateful that no one there to witness it and it was all between me and God.  I told him it was just too much for me.  I asked for help.  I asked for answers.

You know what I did NOT get?  A vision.  A voice from Heaven giving me insight into His plan for me. Writing on the wall.  My Bible magically opening to a comforting passage. None of that.  (Maybe a good thing, remember Job?

You know what I did get? Relief. From being honest with Him about the state of my heart.  Relief from finally addressing the grief that I was holding inside.  Peace. From turning it all over to Him, even though I can't explain it.  Peace from acknowledging that I just can't do this on my own and letting someone else help.  Freedom.  From pretending to be strong enough to deal with it on my own.  Freedom from acting like my faith and hope haven't been shaken.  And comfort. I know that all these feeling won't magically disappear but I believe it will get better. Comfort from knowing that there are people that God has placed in my life specifically to be supportive and kind and help me get through this.

Today?  I was still tired this morning when I was ambushed by my kids asking for story-time in my bed.  I still wasn't interested in eating, but I enjoyed my coffee. I still felt sad when I read about another family traveling to meet their little ones today, but I didn't feel angry.  I still counted it a blessing when another friend offered to watch my girls for a few hours because I'm still not back to my old self.  I will still cry when I look at that tiny picture and see those big brown eyes. 

But I am not overwhelmed. God has restored my hope and renewed my faith.  And I can't quite explain it.

I read this from "For Instruction in Righteousness" by Pam Forster which I had pulled out to use in homeschooling this year.  I had to read it several times to let it sink in.  It says "We should also help our children realize that obedience is not always clearly blessed in the ways we perceive blessing.  Sometimes God blesses us by sending us more trials that will help us continue to grow, or challenges that will help us better comfort others who go through the same sorts of trials.  We must simply obey God and trust the results with Him.  We know that ultimately, even if not clearly apparent here on earth, He will reward us for our obedience when we stand before Him."

I know there are more rocky days to come. But today I thank God for the sunshine and the rain.  For a wonderful husband who holds me up when I can't keep going.  For my three precious girls and their joy for life.  For the body of Christ who has lifted us up in prayer and sent cards and made calls and helped with the girls.  For a second chance.  For God who will not turn His back on me, even when I refuse to look up to Him.  For His patience. For His promise that I will get to see that little boy someday and that my Caleb will be protected from the heartache of this world. For a Father who knows my heart and promises peace if I will just hold tight to Him and my faith.

Today I am better than yesterday.  I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but trust that I will get through it.