My Thoughts on the Death of My Son

Adam here…

This may be a little random in places, but I need to get some thoughts out where someone can see them.

It’s been a hectic two weeks. To say the least. Amanda and I want to say thanks to everyone who has shown kindness and concern for us. It is greatly appreciated.

I haven’t said much since Caleb’s death, partially because I don’t know what to say, and partially because having my feelings on record means that they’re real and everyone can see what happens inside my head, which is not something I normally relish.

First, allow me answer a question or two that continue to come up:

•  Yes, we still intend to adopt. Just like I would imagine with a family that suffers a miscarriage, we still intend to keep working toward bringing home a child that needs a family. Our family.

• We’re doing okay. Working with the teens at camp last week was a wonderful experience and served as a good distraction, but coming home again brings it to the forefront. We had begun to amass supplies/donations in expectation of an imminent travel date, so having all these things ready to go just reminds us of the disappointment that we won’t be taking the trip according to plan.

• Where to from here? As I said, we still intend to adopt, so for the moment we have asked our agency to place us “on hold” so that we can grieve and process the situation. We may decide to go back on the list sometime in the next few months, so it is feasible that we could bring home a child closer to the holidays.

One of the hardest parts about this whole situation is all the “I don’t knows”:

• Could anything have sped up the process? I don’t know.

• Would the result have been the same? I don’t know.

• Will we get any more information on what happened? I don’t know.

• How long am I supposed to grieve for a child I never met? I don’t know.

• Is it appropriate to tell people that I lost a son? I don’t know.

• In the distant future, will I remember him as having been one of our family? I don’t know.

• Will I worry every waking second about another child that is referred to us? When it happens, can I express the joy that I did with the first one? Will hearing the name “Caleb” in any context from this point forward continue to remind me of the hole in my heart? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know… 

I’ll tell you what I do know:

I trust in God. I told Him so over and over again on that horrible, stormy day....

I don’t know His plan for us, other than that He will be glorified in all circumstances, whether they are to our benefit or not.

I keep trying to tell myself that death is all just one of those circumstances. It’s a part of all of our lives and we’ll all go through it.

However, we’ve experienced a lot of death in our family, and frankly, I’m tired of it. Fathers, brothers, grandparents, friends…  For years, I have looked at the phone with dread anytime it rang and I wasn’t expecting a call. It’s like when someone comes up to you and says, “Can we talk for a minute…?” Dread.

I’m done with getting these types of phone calls. Calls where I have to rush home to share news that no one wants to hear. Calls from which the physical, mental and spiritual repercussions linger for days, months, years.

But they are in our plan for a reason, even if I can’t see it.

I think we’re good people. We trust in God and we try to do right by Him and by others. Why do these things happen to us? Were we just being used in some greater cosmic plan?

The short answer is: yes. We were. And I mean that in the best way possible.

I’m sure Mary felt the same way at some point: “God, was I just a vehicle to bring a baby into the world who was ultimately going to die? Why me? Did You think that I could bear it more than anyone else? You said I was blessed among women? I certainly don’t feel like it!” 

But you know what? No matter what amount of suffering Mary went through, the result of her son’s death sent ripples through the lives of people everywhere. The death of our son has already had an effect on a few, I hope.

Can I blame God for what has happened to our family?

I just can’t bring myself to do it. What good would it do? He is the Supreme Creator of the universe and everything in it belongs to Him. I can’t accept good and not adversity. It’s all a part of the human condition.

But I can tell you that Jesus experienced every bit of grief and endured every hardship so that Caleb could be with Him. And so that we could too.

And so that you, reader, whoever you are, could be too.

Caleb, I loved you, even though I never saw you. I look forward to the day when you and I can finally meet in a place that will never keep us apart again.

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out.